carolers

Yeah, i hear this everynight. It's cute and an okay way to kill time whilst christmas commences. though the little kids who expect so much more from us than more than one pesos.. please learn that.. some people don't even get as much as we give you. LOL be greatful thus there are more people who come up on our door steps singing with off tuned voices and the banging of un even drums beats.. yeah thats all i guess :D

I DONT LIKE YOUUUUUUUUUU..... YOU TALK TO HIM TOO MUCH... I SWEAR ONLY IF I WAS THERE... AND I LIVED AS CLOSE TO HIM AS YOU DO... OMGSHHH I SWEARRR.... EEEEEEEEEEEK I HATE HIM MAKING ME FEEL LIKE THIS... I WANT TO GET OVER U ALREADY SO I DONT FEEL SO JELOUS OVER HIS FRIENDS AND MY FRIENDS TALKING TO HIM... I HATE HOW IM SO FRIGGEN GREEEEEEEEEEEEEDYY

Laters. . . blogspot... wassup xanga... lmao this shie reminds me of ian to much la da da da da pa cute

It would have been 8 months today. . . I miss you Ian.

Friends?

I feel as if i have no one to talk to now days... lucky enough that i have my girls... it's just... they have lives of there own... and i don't like... i guess disturbing them.
I feel rude because whatever i have to say is something they mighnt say it's stupid to cry over about. LOL

Well to the days... i've been a tad bit emo! maybe because schools over and i have nothing to do now days. Cept talk to other people... though i don't trust them?
Like for instant... Theres this girl... who invited me to her party this weekend... and people that don't really like me.... But i miss some people that are there? I guess i was wanting to be selfish and meet new people...Since i was just trying to get my mind off things... get my mind of people that once promised that they would stay, now that there gone, i'm left with guilt. I'm left with having no one to turn to because i made it seem like no one was welcomed in my life when i was with him, my attention was with him... Now that his gone.. what the crap did i do -.-" I'm left with no one to listen to me now...

Anyways back to my rant. There was this guy asking me if i was going to the party this coming weekend.. i was like 'No, id rather stay out of troble, since have the people invited, dont like me' , And his like "yeah.... ******* doesn't like you" , And i thought she liked me yeah... but like the way shes been treating me feels like shes used me and such... so i could sense she didnt like me... but since that was his ex, i could kind of sense she was two facing me, like what she did to every other person she talks about to me. The way she talks to me seems so two faced. i felt so dirty when all she ever did was bitch about where i came from and such, i felt as if i was better than her, cos how dare she bitch about how i've changed for the better. Yeah i probably don't have the looks or such, but i have the friends yeah, the friends you wish to go plastic to and such... it's funny because all your friends have a better life than you do, they go uni and they actually have good manners, but some actually need to mind there own business... my friends actually make the effort to cheer me up or some crap even when i don't ask for it... i may seek it but im glad there willing to ask for it... instead of you saying 'Lets bitch' I don't know and the fact I HELPED YOU TRY AND GET OVER YOUR EX BOYFRIEND... i helped you by bringing you somewhere that will take your mind off things, but yeah it got your mind off things... you dissed where i call home you diss what i called a family... You only dissed it because it asked you for money! You swore there, you called it boring, you love embarrassing me infront of everyone.
Why do you like twisting the story around? I know you man i know you pretty damn well that who ever you hate, you would do anything for them to get hated and get a bad rep. Are you happy that that whole school/ grade dislikes me now because of how i look and act? It's like just tell me straight up man. I know i act all weird and childish, but i thought thats how we were? i thought thats how we act? it's like omgsh your more two faced than anyone i could ever possibly think of, i did not want to think so, but hearing so proved me wrong so badly.. I've picked up all the puzzles and joint them together and i was like... what the freak man, why was i complaining how people kiss your feet as you walk, THEN I REALIZED THAT I WAS LIKE THAT.... COS I FORGAVE YOU FOR EVERYTHING YOU'VE DONE WRONG TO ME... ><

Alright so then as i was getting more pissy... So i texted my friend... well my so called 'Bestfriend' saying aww your never available for me ectect >< then he explained to me and such that he had to do things for his mum and baby sit and such, then as i told him i was kind of feeling down due to i had no one to rant to he started raging at me... from this moment i felt as if... i had no one to listen to me any more i felt as if i was like the worst person on earth... because no one wants to even listen to me rant no more... i've always thought to my self... am i that boring of a person that no one wants to even talk to me now days? -.-" Cos i even laugh at my own jokes i don't think i'm that boring -.-" LOl anyways cockkay!
His like "Whos fault is that, Lol Told you not to date idiots, i pretty much made all good decisions for you but you never listen. And what happends? you run to me for help? always using me to pick you up. When i have lots more problems than a f**king stupid breakup, get a f**king grip and pull your head out of you f**king ass and move along in life"
It's like what can you say to that... Obviously it's not just about the breakup idiot! It's about not having people to listen to me no more, i felt alone... and besides... the breakup is slowly fading away from me... it's just friendships that i thought were there arnt really.. what i thought was 'a friendship'
I just really want to delete people from my life, people who never really helped me... and just wanted the information... i want to delete those people who i have to think twice to, before telling them whats wrong or whats up... When i say think twice to... i mean... as in like.. asking my self... if they have close enough friends that they will spill my beans to... and bitch about it behind my back rather than tell me straight up and try help me fix it... yeah anyways... it's not just about a boy.. it's about feeling lonely feeling as if i have no one to talk to... so don't think it's all about a boyboyboyboyboy! My whole life doesn't friggen revolve over that one guy! I've moved on once i can do it again.

If I Had To choose my 18 Candles and 18 Roses Id choose

My Lovely Girls For My 18 Candles.

1. Paula . T
2. Maria . S
3. Salmia . S
4. Hanah . D
5. Christine . R
6. Sarah . J
7. Cassandra . D
8. Arielle . R
9. Marielle . G
10. Diane . N
11. Mary . M
12. Mary . P
13. Jessica . W
14. Julie . D
15. Roschelle . H
16. Jenkin . L
17. Kim.S
18. Anna Liza. S

My 18 Roses
1. Anthony . D
2. Peter . A
3. Conrad . P
4. Daniel . P
5. Darryl . T
6. Matthew . L
7. Chris . O
8. Patrick . J
9. Ivor . M
10. Patrick . R
11. Chris . R
12. John . D
13. Claude . F
14. Philip . M
15. Sydney . M
16. Ian . I
17. Gavyne . D
18. Regidor . S



OH HOW I WISH I COULD SPEND IT WITH THESE LOVELY PEOPLE! haha well... i know that since i wont be having a 'Debut' You'll be invited to the get together/ outings that i'll be having when i come back (:

I kinda tried putting it in order :L lmao

Wishlist LOL

Fine it will be understandable that these are possessions not needs lmao
But i wish i had a job to provide these for my self :L

-I Want to actually have a good education Next year.
-New years resolution is to become a more caring less selfish girl.
-TO GET A JOB
-Buy new earrings (since i lost one pair at the beach lol
-Make up set :) (liquid foundation,Crayon eyeliner, 5 tone foundation and honey bliss bronzer balls) haha hard out, no not really lol
Lip gloss (:
-New camera (or get my old one fixed)
-NAILPOLISHHHHHES
-new clothes
-Blonde hair dye
-GO TO WYD11 Madrid( i dont mind getting everything on my wishlist , i just want to go WYD11)
-Get my L's
-Improve vocal skills
-New sticker for my iPod lol
- Webcam + Mic (:

No excitment

I know it's a tad bit selfish but either when i come back from phils or when i am at phils i will try save up and get a job for these things :L LMAO... i don't know, i guess i'm not excited for my 18th because i know i don't have money lol and i won't be getting the things i want :L lmao yeah there want's which make me even more selfish huh! hahah yes! oh wells i'll save up for it my self :) once i come back from phils. I honestly wish i could just stay here in Australia, and look for a job and actually spend my 18th Birthday here with the Friends and family i actually have.
I spent my 17th at phils last year, it felt like an ordinary day.
The presence of my family was wonderful, but i don't know i guess i was yeah.. expecting a tad bit more? lmao ehh selfish.. so yeah shutup regiee ><
Anyways, i've been attending 18ths and actually in there cotillions and candles, it makes me more sad the fact... those 18ths were sooo fun and i just want to hang with my friends cos they seriously take my mind off things. I have more fun when i'm with them because they know we have each other, sometimes i also like the feeling when it's just us girls :)

IM GLADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

That you take my mind off things <3

thats true.

Sometimes people go to me, wow your so happy regie... like on facebook and such... when really... its my fingers that do the talking...
People get judged so badly when when they put a sad face on there facebook status' or something with quotes on how they relate towards that 'Quote'
Sometimes i get so pissed off when people bitch about people who write emo shit on there facebook or tumblr, it's like friggen ignore it... or help them alright . Dont make there lives more misrable by butting in there business. It's like whats the bet, you probably don't even know the reason behind it.
Yeah back to me again. LOL!
People think i am so happy behind the computer screen, when really i blog like every minuite on blogspot thinking that this is the only place i can get my mind off things... i use to have people who had the time to listen to me, and i wouldnt give a crap is they listened because i trusted them. Now it's so hard... i have to start again... find trust in people...
But i admire the people out there who think of me as the happy type... i really do admire it... it makes me stronger each day... and the fact making the people smile around me is better than making on person smile that you THOUGHT was your world

RAMBLE ON WHY DONT I :D

Well yesterday catching up with an old friend felt awsome, finding out things about you, wasnt anything new, just the fact how there like... WOW how do you know him... you know his.......... im like yeahs i know i know i know...
Dont start them with.......
yes i know i know....

Well i dont know , i hate the feeling of being selfish... its retarted. LOL
It's like i thought about us too much, i compared our relationship with others.
I friggen reminise crap that im not meant to.

I STILL GET INSECURE EVEN THOUGHT YOUR NOT MINE ANY MORE.
I STILL STALK YOUR FRIGGEN PAGE, AND I GET ANGRY.... AND WHY THE HELL AM I DOING THIS? I CANT DO IT, I CANT GET ANGRY NO MORE... YOUR NOT MINE NO MORE... WE HAVE HAD OUR SEPERATE WAYS...
IT'S JUST OMFGHHH! SIGHHHHHHH!!

YOUR PLAY LIST PLAYS ON SHUFFLE ON MY ITUNES... WELL DONE... WE PREPARED FOR OUR BREAK UP! YOU HAD THE FRIGGEN GUTS TO LIKE... DELETE EVERY SINGLE FRIGGEN MEMORY OF ME... YOUR TOO GOOD.. TOOOOOO FRIGGEN GOOD... HOW DO GUYS DO IT? HOW DO THEY FORGET ABOUT A GIRL? THEY ONCE SAID I LOVE YOU TO? HOW DO THEY EVEN HAVE THE FUCKEN GUTS TO TALK TO OTHER GIRLS ON WHAT WE SPOKE ABOUT?????????
I THOUGHT THIS WAS IT... I THOUGHT YOU WOULD KEEP YOUR PROMISES... THAT NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENDS WE'LL ALWAYS BE BESTFRIENDS...

PEOPLE LIKE YOU ARE THE REASON WHY PEOPLE LIKE ME GIVE UP! WE NEVER HAVE THE CHANCE TO FRIGGEN EXPLAIN AND MAKE UP FOR OUR MISTAKES....

Sighhh.
IM SO STUPID FOR STILL THINKING ABOUT YOU WHEN IM ALONE...
IM SO STUPID FOR ALWAYS WANTING TO CALL YOU, STARTING A CONVERSATION AS IF WE WERE TOGETHER STILL. IM SORRY FOR THAT!
IT'S JUST I HATE KNOWING THAT ITS MY FAULT FOR OUR BREAK UP! AND THERES NOTHING WE CAN DO ABOUT IT.... BECAUSE I'M TRYING MY FRIGGEN BUTT OFF TO START A CONVERSATION.
HIGH SCHOOLS FINISHED... I WISH I COULD HANG WITH YOU BEFORE I GO PHILS...
I WISH I COULD STILL JUST BE YOUR FRIEND... AND START OVER... BUT I GUESS BEING SHALLOW IS YOUR NUMBER ONE PRIDE?
I WAS HONESTLY HAPPY, THOUGH SELFISH DON'T YOU RECKON? WHEN I WAS WITH YOU, I KINDA EXCLUDED THE WHOLE WORLD JUST TO TALK TO YOU... NOW THAT IT'S OVER BETWEEN US, YES I AM HAPPY THAT IM CATCHING UP WITH FRIENDS FROM HIGH SCHOOL, IT'S JUST WHEN I GET HOME FROM SUCH A HAPPY DAY, I DONT GET THAT CALL I DO EVERYDAY... I DONT EVEN CHARGE MY PHONE NO MORE :( I MISS YOU SO MUCH !

So single now.

I just don’t think I want to be attached to anyone as of right now. I don’t even know how to explain it, I just don’t want to get my feelings involved to where I allow myself to hurt over someone.

It’s hard to believe someone out there can accept me and also provide the basic wants and needs to make the relationship work. Sometimes when I think about it, I feel as if I’m better off alone. Relationship wise. I don’t think that many people are compatible or suitable to me. I guess because I’ve fixed it in my head of what I want, it hasn’t allowed me to willingly get into a relationship.

I have no problem being single. I don’t hate it, not in the slightest. I just believe that hopeless romantic side of me kicks in, and that’s when I believe my ways of love and affection can spoil someone. I find it wonderful and a best way to start off one’s morning and night with simple gestures of the words “i love you” and “goodnight”. And I want to be that person to someone. The person to start off someone’s morning with a smile and end their night with.
Then, I remember how sometimes I do “too much”. I saw myself in relationships, similar to a mirror image, or more so viewing my relationships from a third perspective; how vulnerable I become. How hard I work for things. How the person I try to avoid comes out full throttle.

I become attached and little things makes me paranoid. Jealousy kicks in. And sometimes it’s better not liking someone for me and even for their benefit. It’s selfish to never allow someone else’s input. But eventually, I don’t want to put anyone in that emotional roller coaster I put myself in.

Dear Ex Girlfriend of the person who broke my heart

I've got so many words to say, i just don't know how.
I guess i am sorry for talking shit behind your back. I Don't know you, i've only seen you around. I get jealous because you look like a type he would still go for ( Even though he told me he wouldn't)
I don't know, i guess i hated you, because of the attitude you gave me when your friend like me. or when your OUR ex started talking to me. Calling me a flirt and shit. HAHA you hated me to... you don't even know me but sall goods i hated you too :D be proud!

It's like

I feel like talking to your ex girlfriend... your first love...
I want to see her side... i want to see why i hated her so much... i think it's because i listened to your side not hers. See thats how selfish i am/WAS, i never really considered looking deep within a persons personality without judging them.
Yeah she was your first love. You replaced mine.
I hated her because i was JEALOUS... i hate how jealousy can impact a persons perspective towards a person

SHES HOT!

Thanks sir.
Yeah we've gone past that stage of our break up, but did you really have to tell me you think one of my bestfriend is hot?... all i can do is listen to you say it... listen to you... and be hurt because i still love you. fine fuck it... i like you... ALOT...
I can't say shit about one of my bestfriends because they were there for me... i cant say shit.. because shes beautiful and HOT... thats your opinion... and i totally agree.. shes stunning.
BUT HELLO! EX RIGHT HERE... WELDONE... YOUR DOING A GOOD JOB.. ON MAKING ME JELOUS... i'll tell you... the smallest thing you do gives me such a big impact.. so please. :(

"You know i'm not even meant to be talking to you"

Yet you still talk to me.
I dont know i hate thinking about how 7 months went by so quickly... these 12 days are going by so slow. I'm not having fun... And i miss you so much :(
Time does fly by when your having fun and enjoying life...
Well Success is the best revenge.
Since i have nothing to do. . . the only way i want to prove to you i'm moving on is to follow MY dreams. It's going to be a while for me to stand back on my two feet again.

Come and Go

I’m tired of people. When someone new walks into my life, I try to convince myself that they’re different but they turn out to be just like the rest of them. Breaking every fucking promise. Replacing me with someone better. Talking shit behind my back. Falling for those bullshit lines that make me think that I can actually trust them. Using me to get what they want. Then when they finally have it, they just leave me hanging until they need something again. They treat me like complete shit yet I would practically take a bullet for them in a heartbeat. Then when they realize how much they screwed up, they apologize and I forgive them. Sooner or later, the cycle repeats itself over and over again.

I just want to meet someone I can open up to without having to think twice about it. Someone that is capable of knocking down all the walls I put up since blocking people out is starting to become a natural habit of mine. And someone that appreciates me while they still have me. Yeah, it would be nice to meet someone like that for a change.

oh gosh

This lonliness... is making me turn back to my old wayyyyyys.... --"
Friggen swearing like non stop.
And bitching and wanting the Goss... omfgggggggggggggggggggggggggshhhhhhhhh look what i did to my self =="

Good mates

Im good mates with your boyfriend! ..... yeah and.....? It's not like were gna get together bro! so relax your fucken G string and eat a tub of icecream okay? it's like... were only up for a catch up iight... soo dont walk in assuming im trying to start shit between use two ahhhhkay ahhkayy? Lmao and besides.. we both needed someone to talk to... since im still trying to get use to not talking to the guy i like no more... to... HIS GOT ISSUES WITH YOU! so let's both relaz our g strings okay :) bai bai xD

The akward Turtle

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO shit.....
butt in our conversations will you?
You and your..... "Code words" can go to hell :D:D:D:D:D hahaha
I never really liked you anyways... hahaha... so did ........ yeah she never really liked you anyways haha so MEHHHHHHHH!

RAGEAHOLIC

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? I WAS ONLY TRYING TO START A CONVO.......... WHEN WERE IN PERSON YOU ACT AS IF... YOU TRUST ME AND SHITT....... SO WHEN I ASK LIKE QUESTIONS ON MSN OR SOMETHING YOUR LIKE LOLS OKAY YEAH LOL NO MAYBE! HAHAHA IM LIKE WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKK? YOUR BORINGGGGGG NOWWWWWW... YOUR P................ IS WAY MORE INTERESTING THAN YOU ARE... I DONT EVEN WANT TO GO CLOSE TO BOTH OF USE.... COS I DONT KNOW... YOUR MORE ANGRYER NOW DAYYYYYYYYS.... WHAT A CONVERSATION KILLER... SHITT MANNNNNNN.... ONLY IF I KNEW PEOPLE WHO DINDT KILL CONVOS LIKE YOU... LIFE WOULD BE SO FUCKEN PERFECT... TO ME LIFE IS BEGINNING TO BE SO BORING...
BORING PEOPLE KILL ME........ BORING PEOPLE NEED A LIFE RATHER THAN ASKING ME 'QUESTIONS' EXPECTING A FULL DETAILED ANSWER INSTEAD OF A ONE WORD ANSWERRRR...
LIKE LEGIT BROOOO......... YOU ARE SOOOOOOOOOOO BORING... EVEN MY FUCKEN EX HATES ME......... BUT HIS MORE INTERESTING THAN YOU ARE.... SHIT SHIT SHIT.........! NO WONDERRRRRR...

All I do is think of you

Yesterday was the day I thought I would have thought I got over you...since why I felt towards another guy.... That has a girlfriend --" but reeplaying conversations that we had over and overbib my head are killing me... Remembering what I do at thi very moment whilst we were still together and such

Though it happend.

I hate how i went for it... i hate how im letting this get to me... i know im meant to move on... but this is the wrong way to move on.... the thing is... what the crapppppp :( ive tried not realizing that you were there for me you know.. when i was down .. i tried opening my eyes... reminding my self that you have a girlfriend...but boy how you get so fly... omfgggg..... CONFUSING.......... i think ive gotten closer to you ever since i graduated.... Why the crap am i thinking of you not... the guy that just dumped me --" MEHHHHHHHHHH!

Whatever happend between us, stays between us okay?

I'm scared. I know i shouldnt i know i shouldnt... I like you... your so cute in so many ways like... wdf mannn.. what was that hug that touched me in unwanted areas for? what was that kiss for ... what the fuck?????????????????????????? help me! YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND... thoughhhh you put my mind off things.. things i know i should forget you know.. but what the fucken fuck.. im in fucken shock atm... how do i describe the words you just made me feel?
YOUR NO PLAYER...
Your a sweet guy... but what the eff ><
Anyways i think i'll be dreaming of you tonight :(

Right after today.

I was angry at my self, so i decided to vent via text to you, okay i'm sorry. YES I AM OVER ACTING AS IF IM THE MOST HURT... but wow... it does fucken kill? and you seem not to care... and now ur acting as if.. you are hurt.. make up your fucken mind honestly. You in or out my life? STOP TALKING TO MY FRIENDS... you make me not want to even talk to them about you... mehhhhhhh! oh wells.. i love your reply to me anyways hahaha "I dont care about you anymore" Thankyou... it makes me laugh but. Cos idk it just does.. i guess i feel as if i'm the luckyer person... your taking MY friends for advice.. what happend to yours? lmao SLACK... oh wells dw about me, oh wait you dont hahah funny funny! nah if i lived today, like this everyday of my life, i would forget about you within seconds haha.. the way you treat me... is exactly like how you treat all your exes.. thanks... YOUR NOT UNIQUE hahah.. your a follower of trends.
sorry just a vent lmao

"JUST GO BACK TO WHATEVER YOU DO, YOU JUST DON'T LISTEN"

FAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FINEEEEEEEEEEEEE I'LL LISTEN TO YOU OKAYYYYYYYYYYYYY STARTING FROM TOMROW!!!!!!!!!! I WILL ALRIGHTTTTTTT... JUST FOR YOU OKAYYY!
FOR 3 YEARS YOU HAVE BEEN THERE FOR ME.. I WAS BLIND EVEN SEE IT..IM SORRY >< BUT RELAX ABIT... TELL ME GENTLY.. YOU KNOW I CANT HANDLE THIS STRESSSS >< I FUCKEN LOVED HIM SO MUCH... IM SORRY FOR CHOOSING HIM OVER YOU...... IT'S JUST IT KILLED ME HEAPS... THE DAY I FOUND OUT I WAS REPLACED TOO... I DIDNT INTEND TO DO IT AS REVENGE ITS JUST I REALLY FELT FOR IAN THATS WHY... THROUGH ALL THE PROMISES HE HAD MADE FOR THE FUTURE HAD GIVEN ME STRONG HOPE.... IM FUCKEN STUPID... IM FUCKENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN STUPIDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD IM SORRY FOR NOT LISTENING TO YOU EARLIER...

But ian has changed but :$ into a better person.

ARE YOU THAT DUMB?

Honestly.... i know your my bestfriend and such... but asking me...... if i am that dumb.... fucken cuts deep... ofcourse i dont know everything in the fucken world... you know what... are you fucken dumb? realizing that your friend.. is in need of a talk and you just asked me if i was dumb.. fuck you to... NOT IN THE MOOOD... and what do i reply to that anyways.... i gave you the honest answer......... YES... i didnt get what you meant... instead of replying "...." FUCKEN ANSWER MY QUESTION!

IM SICK AND TIRED OF REPEATING MY SELF

I HATE IT I HATE IT.........

CAN YOU JUST RAGE... TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT... INSTEAD OF LISTENING TO EVERYTHING I SAY... COS HONESTLY I DONT KNOW WHATS GOING ON.......... ARE YOU MY FRIEND... OR ARE YOU LIKE SHOWING THE WORLD WHAT IM TELLING YOU.. SO I CAN GET LAUGHED AT COS IM CHASING AFTER A GUY THATS NOT EVEN INTERESTED.

Stronger- Jordan Taylor

Well this song, is how i felt when You decided to break it off.
Exactly how i feel.


Bet you thought that I'd be broken
Mascara streaking down my cheek
Devistated out the doorway
In a daze, a state of disbelief
Bet you like that, seeing me get mad
But baby I won't satisfiy your needs
I've already been there, done that
I'll be fine even if you leave

Ahh ha ha ha ahh oh
I don't need you anymore
Ahh ha ha ha ahh oh
And don't you know

That you,were the one that made me strong
You made me stand up on my own
With every cruel intention
You help me find my independence
It's all because of you
That I have the strength, I do
To turn my pain to passion
Instead of crashin
Boy I'm thankin you
Ahh ha ha ha ahh oh
Boy I'm thankin you
Ahh ha ha ha ahh oh

Looking back on how you changed me
Everytime you try to put me down
Even though you really hurt me
Underneath, myself is what I found
Take a look inside these eyes now
Say the things you wanna say to me
Cause I've already spread my wings out
And your the one, the one who set me free
Ahh ha ha ha ahh oh
I don't need you anymore
Ahh ha ha ha ahh oh
And don't you know

That you, were the one that made me strong
You made me stand up on my own
With every cruel intention
You help me find my independence
Yea It's all because of you
That I have the strength, I do
To turn my pain to passion
Instead of crashin
Boy I'm thankin you

For all the tears I cried
For All the sacrafice
For all the drama, cuz in the end
It made me stronger
So trust me I'll be fine
Baby I'll survive
Without you
If I want, but I want you to know
That you were the one that broke my heart
But I won't fall apart
No I'm still moving on

Cuz babi you, were the one that made me strong (made me strong)
You made me stand up on my own (on my own)
With every cruel intention
You help me find my independence (independence)
Yea it's all because of you (oh you)
That I have the strenghts, I do (do)
To turn my pain to passion (passion)
Instead of crashin (crashin)
Boy I'm thankin you (you)
One that made me strong
Boy I'm thankin you
One that made me strong
Boy I'm thankin you
Ahh ha ha ha ahh oh
Boy I'm thankin you
Ahh ha ha ha ahh oh

Feelings

Dear Ian.

I may have done something really bad to you, but the feelings i have told you and felt towards you in the past is ALL true.
But im scared. that i got played heaps...That you told all those words and those i love you's to a girl before and all this is just cleche to you...
OK fine whatever... "I promise no matter what, being bestfriends is the lowest we'll go" yeah alright.. if you break that... means that everything else you told me may have a breakdown too.

I LOVE IT... ALOT

Try... Tryyyyyy... Embarrass your self.....
I was bad... i did you wrong.
but, is this your revenge? huh
Jelousy? Ya know what it's working...
well it was working
Not until, i find out things...
I have friends who talk things out... not physically.
So when a fight happends.. talk it out? instead of being full of talk getting all your friends to gang up on me?

Yeah. :)

Yuss i remember

I miss how you you say 'I love you, more than any other girl i ever loved.'

I miss how our msn convos would be a mission to scroll down to since all we ever did was endless laughing.

I miss how our rule in the relationship was to never frown.

I miss how whenever we get excited all our convos on msn would be in CAPS becuase we are so excited on what we have to tell each other.

I miss how we would always have bee bee time... thinking it would only go for like 15 mins or something, but we always go to bed smiling.. cos we both made each other smile like there is no tomrow...

I miss how we would talk to each other as if there is no tomrow and there is an endlessness of talking between us.

I miss how we know that when one person talks on msn... all we can ever do is stare at the computer screen reading about good times, and happy that we have this person.

I miss how YOU loved me for my voice, and you took me everywhere

I miss how i would get teased by my friends for looking like a weirdo just for talking on the phone... at the shops...

I miss how i will be bringing my charger everywhere just to talk to you 24/7

I miss how i could give you a whole list everyday on why i miss and love you, without hesitating, because you showed different things everyday

I miss how my restrictions showd you on how much i cared and loved you, and how much i did not want anyone else BUT you.. and only you ian,

I miss how i would call you bee bee or poo poo head and you would respond to it.

I miss how you would remind me each day that i was a fighter, a fighter to prove that i wanted you all to my self.

I miss how You tell me that you can die smiling because of all the happiness ive given you.And knwoing that you would always remind me on how lucky how you had a girl who knew how to make you smile everyday.

I love how you remind me each day that i am the one you want and need. The one you want to be with till the end.

I miss how You even prayed for my family and i, you prayed for a brighter future. Not only you talk to me all the time, it's the fact when you don't talk to me, you are thinking of me... you think of me when you are having a conversation with God.

I miss how you would say something so sweet, then relate it to my bad habbits like how i dont know how to burp and id make these crocky sounds.

I miss how You made me feel as if you coming into my life was nothing, but honestly it means so much, because i've learnt so much from a guy that says his nothing, nothing at all, i fell in love with a guy who said when he enterd my life, he was cocky and felt as if he has experienced everything in his life before, Like relationship wise.

I miss how you thought that your first love is the biggest feeling you could get until you met me.

I miss how you would tell me the feeling i give you makes you feel like the richest guy on earth when really you only live in rooty hill.

I miss how you finally had the time to think when you were with me, You summarised all these quotes that life had been throwing towards everyone. For example "Love can't buy happiness" By this you summarised the real meaning. How Love CAN buy you happiness, like the possessions in the world, but not find a girl like me who would make you smile and laugh everyday, you cant buy a family to earn trust and love towards, and you even said it your self.... "Money can't buy love"

I miss how you think about how your life would be without me.. how you think that you'd be in another arms of a girl... effing and clubbing each weekend.. not until i restricted you... But look.. it's over now between us.. I'm glad your not like that but.. I really miss you ian :(

I miss how i had those "What if" moments, and you'd always be there to change those what if's to IT WONT HAPPEN I PROMISE...

I miss how you tell me the feelings you get when i talk to you, it's like.. biting someone till they bleed or touching anew born babies feet, cos your so gigeel!

I miss how i tell you how crap i make you feel, you make it seem like everything i do is perfect... you said that the feelings i give you feels perfect... feels like your in heaven.

I miss how when we fight the problem would be solved within minutes... and going to bed angry DID NOT EXIST... going to bed missing the one and only never existed either.. Staying on the phone each night... making sure we never had nightmares... kissing the phone whenever we felt like it and hearing the kiss back... the feeling of him giving me hugs felt like that he will never let go and made me feel like i was never going to loose him nor our close friendship.

I miss how when we fought... yeah we never let go of each other, id hang up, he'd call back... I miss that so much :( it's like i miss how he would even call me.. i miss his name popping up on my phone screen... or the amount of hours we have spoken to each other and say wow... what the hell..

I miss how we dont even know what on earth we talk about... but still never get bored of each other.

I miss how you tell me i hurt you when we fight... when we had that fight one time... and u were telling me that i never fight for you, i miss how you had realised that through my sarcasm you know that you were worth my fight ian, im scared to give up... cos i dont know if i'll be as happy as you make me if i let go of you now.

I miss how you actually admit that you were blind seeing the side that i do fight for you, that i did everything in order to keep our happiness maintained.

I miss how You made me realize that i actually do things for you and make you laugh

I miss how there was only one person i could turn to when i had a problem, i miss how i did not even have to worry about my secrets being spread because i trusted you, as much as i said i did not trust you, i actually really did, its just i was selfish and i wanted you all to my self.

I miss how you actually realized that there is a limit to caring.

I miss how you make me realize that even though i fight with my mum, cry over my mum and about to give up, you make me turn around and make me realize that there is no reason to hate or cry and just to be happy. You make me remember all the good things my mother has done for me. And how my mum will always be my hero.

I miss how when you are being called to pray, then you come back... and then you say that God has given you the time to talk to me.

i miss how You told me that no matter how mean i am to you ,you wil not leave coz its only me that has made you reach this point in life.

I miss how one hour of our lives not talking to each other.. it's like we have to make up for it.. by talking to each other like 5 hours more.

I miss how you would help me on my homework, even if you have no clue... or if you have your own assignment.

I love how, when ones angry the other is happy, and helps the other to smile and forget about the problem.

I miss how even though our relationship was sooooooooooooo happy and strong... we would talk about breaking up and when we do, or the day we do.. you said that you will always love me. I miss you :(

I miss how we would tell each other how perfect we are, and tell each other everyday that we love each other.. and the word never lost meaning.

I MISSSSSSSSS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCHHHHHH MORE ABOUT YOUUU.... IT'S JUST YEAH.... ><

To the days.

I've been feeling sad and alone.
I'm glad i've been going out... friends actually take my mind off things.
Though i lost my 3 phone/sim. I'm glad some people do feel where i come from... they are willing to call me to check up on me, it sucks cos i lost the sim and i need that lmao to take my mind off things. Instead of having the two sim cards that remind me of Ian. It hurts that i miss him like so much

Honestly Ian

You know i care so much about you, no matter how bad i deserve to be treated. I start the msn conversations everyday, and i annoy the crap out of you, You can not tell me i never felt the strong love feeling i felt for you in the past we had. We had a past, if you tell everyone that our past was nothing.. Look back at it, as much as it will hurt, its a sign you should give me another chance. A chance to prove to you that i can be that faithful girlfriend or even, keep your promise as being a bestfriend.
I became close to you because of your downfall, your downfall of loosing your circle of friends, i poured my feelings out to you, you poured your to me. YOU CAN TRUST ME! i want to prove that to you. I never was on your enemies side, nor will i ever be.
I hurt you yes, it's hurting me like hell. And to think religion was an issue before, i was ready to let go, but you grabed onto me, now im stuck on you.
You where the reason why i had forgotten my first love. The tears of joy you had given me each day was nothing compared to any guy had ever given me. I lied cos i am not perfect :( Your true and honesty made me love you more each day. I had asked you E.V.E.R.Y.D.A.Y. we were together, on why you loved ME so much... The personality? Not the looks... Yeah unless you want to be proven wrong that everyone does have a shallow side >< Okay I'm so sorry okay, I just want you to know that I TRUST YOU WITH ALL MY HEART... it took time for me to get over the first guy, you were the reason why my mind was off HIM... now look at me... how the heck am i going to find a replacment? I dont need a replacment...its just the way you made me feel each day, I knew 3 sides of you. 1. the player who did not give a flying fuck about any girls feelings, 2. To the Guy that changed, because he found happiness and laughed each day and actually felt for a girl and knew he wanted to keep her, felt as if she was the IT girl and comparing her with all your ex's due to she was your IT girl, to 3. The guy who makes everygirl seem like they have a chance with him now,cos your too kind. You smile everyday, acting as if nothing happend... Acting as if i never asked you those questions like "What do you love about me?" "What will you miss about me"
Honestly... I've been replaying our conversations each day in my head... trying to find happiness again :( I miss you so much, Your ex's may miss you, but it's killing me inside that i don't even get that chance they did.. that chance to make it up to you... I miss you so much :( Like honestly i do, we've gone through so much together, and is this the rocky side of the chapter or is it soon to end? since i've litrally told you everything now. I miss you

LONG DISTANT RELATIONSHIPS

I know people look different in pictures and seem different over text, but I think it’s the cutest thing when I see the “cute tumblr love stories”. I want that, the love that held on so long even through the distance. I believe that love can be found anywhere, I say that distance isn’t a big problem in a relationship. I’m not going to say it doesn’t matter because yes, it does tear you apart sometimes. Long distance relationships are not easy, but neither are any other types of relationships.
I think trust is the biggest problem for me personally. If I ever had a long distance relationship, I’d be the most faithful person I could ever be. I’m not the kind of person to mess with people’s feelings and I’m honest to the fullest extent. Me trusting a guy is a different story. If he keeps in contact with me EVERYDAY, it would make me feel so safe. I would never trust him 100% though, I’m too much of a jealous person. But, I feel like distance makes a relationship stronger as well.
Taking it in a guy’s point of view, I think not being there physically kills him inside. Not being there to wipe away the tears and holding her in his arms. It makes you different than the average everyday couple. Guy’s think distance matters a lot.. it means so little when the person means so much, seriously. Finding a guy that would actually be willing to be in a long distance relationship is one of the hardest, most specialist things to find.
If you’re in a long distance relationship currently.. stay strong. You show everyone in this world that true love can’t be touched no matter how many miles away you guys are

DO YOU STILL REMEMBER ME?

I’m that girl who fell in love with your smile. I’m that girl who you never got to experience anything sexual with. I’m that girl who actually fell deeply in love with the real you, not what people thought you were. I’m that girl who stuck around even when you had things with other girls. I’m that girl who went to your games just to watch you. I’m that girl who gave you positive comments even when your game went bad. I may be really annoying but i am still that girl you loved. I’m that girl who smiled from all the random late night texts you sent. I’m that girl who you broke. I’m that girl who has to put a fake smile on her face around you. Yeah, I’m THAT girl. I miss you.. I’m still here, and I never left.

My Heart was taken by you, Broken by you

and now in pieces because of you. Wanting you is hard to forget, loving you is hard to regret, & losing you is hard to accept. But even with all the hurt I’ve felt.. letting go is the most painful yet.

Been there done that

I don’t ask my boy about what happened in his past anymore. I’ve learned that it makes me sit there and think for hours. I just don’t like the feeling of worrying all the time, it’s annoying. The only time I ask about his past is if he does something super cute for me, that’s all because it makes me feel special if i’m the only one. Sometimes it’s good to learn about his past though because you find out who they can be but for me I think it’s all a waste of time. A guy is a guy, he flirts with a lot of girls and does his thing. Why, because he’s single livin’. Us girls do it too, so we can’t use it against them. But if you’re hiding serious shit and you don’t tell me, then it doesn’t fly.
If you end it with someone just because their past, you’re going to live off guilt because you don’t know a good thing ‘til it’s gone. So remember that the past is the past for a reason, everyone learns to grow up sometime. You just need to find out when that time is to go for it.

About our relationship

I’m not really close to a lot of guys, like every girl is. But I was really close to him before we started liking each other. I don’t even know how we got close, it just kind of happened. He started liking me first, I still remember the whole convo.
Me: Guess what? Him: What? Me: I like you. Him: Really? Me: Yeah. Him: Good, ‘cus I do too. Me: I was just joking.. lol. Him: Yeah, me too. Me: Sure you were. Him: I was! Me: Stop lying. Him: Okay okay, I do.. Me: I thought so, but I don’t like you back and I am not about to. Him: Why? :/ Me: You’re a player, that’s all you are. Him: Well I can change for you.
It took me a couple months for me to start liking him, but when I did.. I fell hard.

My Fingers do Have there purposes

My pinky is for my best friends and our promises that will hopefully never be broken. My ring finger is for the man of my dreams and for proof that we’ll be together forever. My middle finger is for those people that push me too far and that’s the way I show it. My pointer finger is to silence them and to savor the moment. My thumb is for everyone, to let them know that I’m gonna be okay, no matter what happens.

The Sex Life

I’ve never had a real boyfriend nor have I ever had my first kiss. The furthest I’ve gone was hold hands. I’m not ashamed to say it, I am actually proud of myself. Most girls my age (fourteen), already lost their virginity and I’m just sitting here like have you ever thought about how it could hurt you in the future. I always think before I do something sexual with a guy, but that’s just me. I know you’re probably thinking “wow she’s immature..it’s just a kiss.. it’s not like you’re getting married”, a kiss can lead on to a lot, and I have no self control what so ever. & I think it’s better if I just don’t start. Almost every guy you think would stay with forever will leave. & you don’t know if they’re trying to be committed or just toot it and boot it.
I want to be the mother that my kids look up to. I want to be able to look them straight in the eyes and honestly tell them that I waited and that they could do it too. My parents never tell me anything about their past, and I think it’s because they’re ashamed of it. But they’ve told me to keep my virginity until marriage anyway. But I want to tell my own kids how my past relationships went. I’m hoping that they will all learn a lesson from me and learn that life isn’t all about being sexual with your partner. I believe that you can love someone without making love, that can wait.

See that girl?

Yeah.. she’s the one who stuck up for you, the one who stayed up until midnight just to talk to talk to you. She’s the one whose heart flutters when she gets a call or a text from you. She’s the one who fought for you, the one that missed and loved you.
But by the time you realize that she’s the girl you want, she’ll already be with the guy who figured it out before he lost her.

Is this a dream or what?

I’ve never been on a real date. You know, where you actually go out and do something cute. Or the typical-type of date where he meets your dad. Your dad is sort of if-y about him and he reassures your dad that he is “going to take care of you”. Then you go out and watch a movie at the theatres and then have dinner. He brings you home and he gives you that goodnight kiss and you enter the house all happy because you had such a great night. I wonder how that’d be like.

Reminds me of day one.

I just stopped believing guys when they say they have feelings for me. I don’t know what it is. I guess you can say that it is my past that is holding me back. I’m not the girl you’d want to fall in love with and I’m sorry I don’t show all the sides of me at the beginning of the relationship. Even I, myself, is able to recognize the unfortunate fact of me. I’m just.. way too difficult to deal with. I become insecure. I make things harder than they have to be. I’m a bit too blunt within every situation. I will hurt you unintentionally. And it’s so hard to keep me satisfied. So when you say you like me, after you have barely even seen what you think you’re interested it.. I laugh. I laugh right in your face. It’s not something I’m able to accept. There’s nothing to like about me, you’ll end up changing your mind like they always do. Trust.

sigh friendship.

Obviously, our friendship didn’t mean to you as much as it did to me. I cared for you and I wanted you to be happy. I guess my wants/needs got in the way and turned me into a selfish bitch. I dropped the whole situation because I didn’t want to go through the unnecessary drama. It doesn’t mean anything to me anymore. The thing is, that I don’t understand, why am I the one begging for forgiveness? When you never said sorry for your wrong-doing. You never did, and I don’t think you realize that. I said my apologies and did everything right that I needed to do. But you know, if you really want to act that way, then okay. Ignore my messages, ignore me when I’m standing right there, and completely avoid me. You’ve pushed me out of your life over one little situation, which I think is rather silly because if anything.. I should be the one who did that. But I didn’t. Because again, I cared for you and our friendship. And considering the fact that you obviously do not give a flying fuck about me and this friendship, then fine. I’d be more than happy to walk out of your life as easily as you did of mine. I was there for you, and I was indeed a good friend. I’m not going to doubt myself and put myself in the position where I feel like I’m the bad guy. Because I’m not. I’ve had enough of that type of self-pity.

They’re right. Friends will come and go. And I guess you’re the first of the many that will decide to leave. So, deuces.

This whole concept of my “second thoughts” kind of makes me imagine myself walking across a tightrope. The whole rope itself represents the process that I’m trying to get across, and the further I get.. The more process I make. But as I get farther on the rope, I get those “What if”-thoughts and I have this urge to want to go back just and not continue on anymore. I know that if I give up, I lose all my process that I have made. And I can’t go back. But I just can’t risk losing anymore than I had already lost. I’m scared of falling. I’m not ready for that, just yet.

"What about you, do you like anyone?"

HAHAHAHHAHA NOOOOOOOO SISTURRRRRR...
You added me on facebook, what do i do? DECLINE...
I know who you are, don't go acting all as if you want to get to know me and such.
Your just another one of those stalkers lmao

SELFISH

Well one of my very close friends had FINALLY met my ex... now that they are friends... i get jealous that he talks to her all nice and happy... and leaves me in the dark all alone.. i hate the feeling of seeking for happiness..
But then... i had a talk with one of my guy friends.. telling him the situation i am in.. the 'Jealousy' part... and he told me to tell them/her so i did... and im glad she understands and im glad that i have friends that understand that girls do have there jealous side... Im very sorry for making you loose a friend... i always think about my self im friggen selfish for eff sake --"
I miss him but.

June 9

IVE NEVER FELT LIKE THIS BEFORE!!!! hahahahah i really havent.. it actually feels good to care and feel their gratitude when you make them feel better... i remember before, if you had a problem, i would ignore it and keep talking about other crap..

i remember .. at the start of our relationship, i remember not caring what happened. thats why i always teased you hehehe.. i never cared if i was going to lose you.. i never cared about what you were doing or how you felt.. i never cared how your day was.. NOW, i care about your every step. i want to make sure that you dont trip and fall... i care about losing you.. dont leave =P or i will cry like a b*tch... hahahahha.. i care about what you are doing... i know you trust me and crap, and i trust you... but i still get scared of what you are doing.. im scared that it will make me angry and turn me back into that selfish non caring bastard i was. i think thats why i always call you.. to make sure you are still my beautiful nice girl that will be bringing smiles to my face and hasnt done anything wrong... i really cant tell you enough how much i love you.. I LOVE YOU!! I REALLY DO!! IT SMELLS LIKE _ _ _.. HAHAHAHA.. you know me too well. BUT I REALLY DO LOVE YOU... i wake up everyday with a smile on my face.. and as scary as it sounds, i even sleep with a smile.. idk if that is coz you make me happy or if its coz you made me jizz just before i slept.. jokes hahahah.. its coz you make me happy. promise.

you know, ive never called a girl every night.. i have never used so much energy on a girl before... but i guess thats coz they werent worth the effort.. unlike you, you make me smile and laugh when i make the effort.. you make every part of my body feel warmth jsut by hearing your voice or reading your messages.. just that simple "mwah" on the phone makes me close me eyes just to hold that image in my head a little bit longer.... you make me feel like im your b*tch... but you know what... idc... i want to be your whipped b*tch... its the best job ever.. i get paid with laughter and smiles.. i get to tell you everything... IM SO PROUD TO BE bee bee'S WHIPPED B*TCH.... CALL ME A PUSSY IDC!!!

I am so grateful that i have you in my life.. you know that no matter what happens i will always be there for you.. if a problem comes up, i will sort it out.. i will make sure that we wake up with a smile again...

I LOVE how you care for your mum and sister no matter what sh*t comes up...i know they can say harsh things and do harsh things, but bee i know you can handle it.. i know you will still help them and continue to be the beeee i know... your sister and you is like a huge inspiration to others... you remind me of me and my little sister when im not on the phone with you ==.... hahhahhaha... and i hear your mum give you crap while im on the phone with you, and you just brush it off like you werent affected.. i remember when she was shouting at you when you were doing the dishes on Bems day, and you said "why are you shouting for?" hahahha.. but when you said it i could hear the love you had for her in your voice.. i heard the care you had for her... i know it seems gay saying i can hear that you love and care for her, but i really did.. it made me want tohug and kiss you more.. i know that you are bottling a lot up inside. i know it seems hard, but at the end, when you prove them all wrong.. you will be the happiest.. you will seriously bring so much joy to their eyes, and when you see their joy, you will feel it 20 times more then they do... i bet you will cry when your mum hugs and kisses you...

i remember the video you made for your mum on her birthday.. you really made her smile aye... hahaha.. becoz of that she knows you love her.. and she uploaded it on fb for others to see. she wants to show everyone how beautiful and lucky she is, coz she has a daughter that has the balls to tell their mum "I LOVE YOU"... ask your friends, when the last time they said "i love you" to their parents.. i bet it was a long time ago.. but with you, you show it to mummy all the time.. not only do you say it, but you show it too!! you cook for her.. clean for her... you seriously show so much love to her... at least when the time for her to leave comes, you know that she knows that you loved her... you dont have to be like the people that only say i love you to them on their funeral... farout!! sorry.. getting a little to into it aye.. well... BEE! do me a favour and tell your mum (and dad if you want) that you love them all the time.. when your mum is angry or sad, just be good to her coz you need to understand she is a single parent, working her ass off to make you happy.. so return the favour and always try to make her happy.

you seriously are one of the best thing that has ever happened in my life!! i love you i love you i love you... MWAH!! GOODMORNING BEE!





WITH YOUUUUUUU THERE BY MY SIDEEEE... YOU MAKE NEGATIVE THINGS TURN INTO POSITIVE THINGS.. I MISS YOU IAN!

This is my explanation of what i feel when i vent to someone. First of all i always keep my shit to myself I never liked shouting out my problems to the public. Its embarrassing to blurp out all your private life and all your mistakes in life. I think it would just make you look bad. I’m Scared that my Friends or people, teachers or adults, would look down on me and think low of me. So yeah I never liked venting my problems in life.

But…. suddenly I just broke down. The worse possible thing that could happen to me in my year. My worst fear happened. I don’t want to say it its very a sketchy and a sensitive topic for me to say. but yeah I suddenly vented on someone…….. a friend. My heart was racing like fucking crazy i don’t know how. It suddenly made me felt better the persons gentle warm words made me feel better and straight down to earth words made it all better. I never knew that it would feel this great to talk about your problems to someone….. but yeah i think i wont do it again though i don’t want to keep on venting cuz it just shows that i repeat on making the same mistakes or having the same problems. unless its a new one :) but yeah thats my point of view on venting.

Remember when you said....

Bee. You made my day the best day... You made me smile like crazy till my cheeks started to shake and get weak. You made me laugh till I got sick. Now I have a stomache ache. You made me remember why I love my life and why I love you. =D .... As gay as it sounds you, you seriously are the only girl that has ever made me have so much fun... And it's just over the phone hahaha.

I hate how you always say to me, I can get someone better than you.. I hate how you always say, "I deserve better" and yada yada yada. And I also hate how you blame yourself all the time..... Well it's time for a change okay. You need to understand I have got all I need now. I have got what I have always wanted. I have got what no one else has. I have got the girl that changed for the better. I have got a girl with the most delicious curves on her body. My girl has the face of a cake.... Jks. My girl has the most beautiful face.... Promise.... My girl has a personality that can make you want to sing with joy everyday. She can make you laugh without really knowing what you are laughing at... my girl has the sexiest voice. Sexy voice=sexy blow jobs... Jks. Nah, but seriously bee... It sounds like God kissed your throat... I love your voice. My bee is smart.. My bee is sook smart and sets out the best role model for eveyone. She is my new light... She has guided me into a better life. What more could I ask for?? What do you NOT have? You have everything. It's you that deserves someone better. Promise. I love you bee.

I'm sorry I couldn't message a lot tonight. It's hard to when you are on the phone messaging on facebook.

I love you bee. I really do. Goodnight.



In my reply i say : Beeeeeeeeee... you always make my day... morning and night.. your the first i hear.... to brighten up my day... :) I LOVE IT :) it always starts my day off soo welllllll :L you make me sleep with a smile.... nyaww far out.. love it even moreee :$ cos and then in the next morning i know ill be thinking about the night i had hehehahahha cos u make it always soo special :L

Yeahh i know right u made me laughh soo hard that it hurts like a bishhhhhhh ahhaha .. ive stoped swearing... and uve started to care... :P nyawwww bee :P lols idc how gay whatever sounds i love how u make me feeeeeell... i love how u talk to me soo gay-ly.. i lovehow ur soo weird.. but most of all i love how ur not shy aorund me no more.. tick tick.. HELLO BEE :P hahahah and yeahh

But yeah i only say u deserve better than me due to.. i feel soo bad the fact you always want to kiss mee... hugg me.. but i cant always give it too you... :( I dont blame my self all the time.. ur the one who blames ur self all the time :( i dont like it.. cos were in it together? okayy bee ? PROMISE... *promise*( ian copies me) heheh looools... Get lost bee about the cake face... it was only one time >< and since im getting teaseed by my own boyfriend.. its the only time -.-" hhahahah looooools

Yeahhh bee same goes with u.. u make me laugh without knowing what were laughing at.... hahah u tell me not to laugh.. it gets funnier :P hahaha doesnt it.. lmaoo..

good role model my ass bee... hahahaha u even said not ur sister to turn out like mee hahahaha lmaooooo! im glad ive guided u into a better life bee... hahah same goes with you.. u make me soo happy.. happier than i could ever be.. u make me feel soo complete... ive got some missing peices of my puzzle.. but u have replaced all the missing peices :) hehehehe

and beee eff u :( as if i deserve anyone better... serisouly tlel me... what more can i ask for huh? tlel me .. i already have someone who cares for me.. helps me out.. listens for me.. makes me laugh.. smile.. horrrr...AYYYY! hahahah kiddding bee :P lmaooo friggen love you...
always and foreverr :P
MWAAAAAAAA MWAA MWA MWAA...*Looks around* Any distraction..? hahaha bee... put it in.. :P
kidding


I LOVE YOU IAN ♥

Conversations That i will miss.

>I know the passed 2 days we have had small rough areas that made our lives a little complicated.. And I know those rough patches are my fault.. I know you told me not to say sorry, but I really have to say it this time.

Im sorry... I didn't mean to make you unhappy.. I don't know what has got into me, but I will try my best to take out what is ruining everything..

I have been trying my best to be that guy that you want, but I always fail after a while and turn out to be the guy that makes you unhappy..

I think I have something wrong with my brain.. I need to get an operation on my head aye.. Hahaha..

I'm really sorry for not showering when I said I was going to.. It's just, my mum wanted help on facebook because she was chatting to my uncle, her brother, asking me questions. But just because of that, don't swear at me like I just killed someone.. Don't just run your mouth like that at me like Im a little piece of sh-t. Yeah, you own me, but don't abuse your power with me.. I couldn't help it okay.. If my mum calls, I would stop whatever I was doing just to see what she wants.. And dw about the swearing in front of my mum.. I told her it's just a virus on your computer..


Ever since I got this operation it's like I have just been annoying you.. I was thinking of going on a break till I get well enough to stop annoying you..

I'm sorry again and goodnight..


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I miss the fact... that even though he was angry at me.. he still tells me what is on his mind... he still teaches me what is right or wrong... and that we will always be together.. i hate how i was never prepared for this heart break i miss you so much :(

I remember.

The Time we had a fight... i had said some things like.. if we have one more fight.. that i cant handle it's over... then from then on.. i learnt that whenever we fight... we both make it and help each other in order to fix the problem... this is why i will miss you... you always listen to me... but always fight for something you love... i miss you so much Ian :(

I remember you told me you are ending it after our next fight.. I guess this is it hahhaah.. Had fun while it lasted.. I tried but i guess i just cant live up to your standards.. I would love to still be friends though... If you want to still.. If not, well I guess I just have to go cry about it.. I won't bother getting angry coz I know it will waste my time and probably just make things worse.. I do want to fight for you but you won't let me.. I tried to call you 70 times on your voda, and I think 7 times on your other phone.. I guess you really just don't want this type of relationship.. Which is okay if it's not going to work for us.. I really do hope we can still be friends.

Just for future relationships I want you to Remember this...
Don't get so angry over the smallest things.. You need to give other people the chance to explain if they have done something you don't like, I want you to tell them why you are angry and what they could do to fix it.. I want you to listen to them instead of them just listening to you.. You should treat them how you would want to be treated.. Also remember, you can't exclude everyone from your life and think it will be better.. You need your guy and girl friends.. So don't stop talking to them coz you might just need their help one day.. You can't expect your guy to not talk to any girls just coz you stopped talking to guys.. You need to trust them not to do anything wrong.. If they hide stuff from you, then you do have the right not to trust them.. But if they tell you everything, it's most likely that they wouldn't do anything wrong against you.. And for the record, I trusted you soo much..

Anyway, I hope I get to talk to you soon.. You brought the best out of me and I will always keep what you have taught me. You really brought me to the light when I was in the dark.. You taught me to care and also made me feel so many emotions hahah... You made me laugh at my problems and smile at all random sh-t.. You made me laugh at people who put me down.. You made me sing at the top of my lungs 24/7.. You showed me that what others think isn't important, but what you think and how you handle your problem.. You brought tears to my eyes.. Not tears of sorrow but tears of joy.. You made my days feel shorter coz the excitement and happiness made the time fly. Thankyou very much.. You truely are a blessing from God..
Don't forget what you are worth okay.. you deserve the best and I hope you get it from the man you give your life too.. Don't let people give you crap.. If they do I will get them for you.. I will always be here for you

I love you girl and only you.. I will stop bothering you now.. I'm really sorry for the pain I caused you... I wish I could take it back.. I will re-write you this letter when I'm on the computer and I will write all I want to say... Anyway, keep your family strong and make them proud.. Finish school and follow your dream bee. You deserve it. That's the last time I call you 'bee' I guess unless I accidently call you that later.. and I won't call any other girl that name.. 'bee' started with you and will end with you. Mwah.. Goodnight and bye till the next time we talk.

This was a facebook message Inbox (1)

Sorry i couldnt help but read our happiness together... it made me so happy... Im sorry Ian for posting this. You are not botherd reading these but yeah fair enough, you want to move on... but i dont know i need someone or something to help me stand up on my two feet ><

hey bee.. i am talking to you right now, and i know i can be telling you this over the phone, but i guess i would rather tell you this over a message coz it will last longer..

I LOVE YOU!

the end..







JK





i just wanted to tell you how much you mean to me...

im over partying coz id rather be on the phone talking to you.. thats why i cae home early today.. coz seriously, ive changed.... i only want you and only you bee.. now matter how many girls walk by me, i dont even check them out anymore coz i know none of them can compare to the girl that i have now.. none of the girls can compare to my Bee Bee's (Ilaya)'s beauty.. no one has that ass like her, those tits like hers.. that soft skin like hers.. i know that EVERY GIRL that walks past wont be good enough.. i know that none of them will have ya better personality.. none of them will be as strong.. or as good with families.. none of them will ake my little sister smile.. bee.. you even made my mum and older sister smile.. i love your approach to life.. you accept your situation and tackle it straight on.. you dont take short cuts.. you handle your problems properly. and i love how you actually saw your life was unhealthy and fixed it straight awawy.. you dont disrespect your mum anymore.. you take care of your sister and make her the happpiest little sh*t in the world... hahaha.. but bee, ever since i saw you making changes in your life, i saw that you actually started to laugh and smile more.. you took life more seriously and saw that you shouldnt dwell on your problems, because you knew you coan handle them now... and i love how you treasure your family now.. i lremember you saying 'at the end of everything, it will be them who you will be going back to'... and i loved you even more when you said that.. i finally saw youunderstanding life.. i finally saw that you actually are thinking properly and maturing bee..i know you are ready for a family.. you are ready to take care of your self.. if i was very sick and my life was about to die, id let you take care of me coz i trust that you can take care of me bee.. i trust you with my life.. bee its hard to type on my laptop coz it keeps messing up.. so im gona write the rest on coputer tomorrow.. im sorry. i know there are a lot of mistakes in this message coz i cant really see what im typing.. anyway bee.. i love you i love you i love you.. goodnight bee, mwah..will you please have my babies? mwah!! hahaha i love you bee.. minesweeper tomorrow?

wow..

Since i have not used my blogspot ever since like last year or something, ive been blogging well i blogged about my 'first love'lol its freaky... just reading about what he has done for me.. is NOTHING.... compared to what Ian had made me feel... i dont know i feel like im proud of having him as a boyfriend... well an ex now.. i know our relationship was pretty secret due to the religion wise... now that it's over... its kidna obvious all the post is about him... so yeah....

"You should try closing your eyes when you fall in love"

That shows how people are not really that shallow.
Ian made me feel this way as in he forced the ugly side out of me.
Things i found so gross and discusting made me feel... perfect? haha i know perfect isnt the best way to describe it.. but yeah he made me feel perfect...
I miss him, i wish religion wasnt a big impact of his life.. but as he said "We only live for one person, GOD" what can i say to that, his right but.

I miss him so much but... i can say that me and him were only friends at the start flirting with each other like normal people(LOL)
Then i think i became serious... he never was the type that would go for a girl like me... a girl with good humour... and i made him tell me each day what he loved about me.. its been exactly one week now... and thinking about our happiness in the past kills me... knowing that it will never be the same ever again ><

He doesnt want to get "Too attatched" lmao... so im guessing his going to reject the offer of going out today aye haha

he called me (A) his doing nothing today... im doing nothing today... i wna do something >< HAHAH

Its the fact... i introduced you to my close friend... and seeing you laugh with her... seeing you give her the smiles you use to give me is going to kill... It's like i guess it's normal hating on a girl that you dont know... you can bitch about all them you want... its just... SHES MY FRIEND... WHEN I SAY FRIEND... SHE IS MY FRIEND... shes done so much for me.. i cant hate her.... all i can do is like sit here and be jealous since i cant do anything about it no more...

"You should really stay away from players"

They know how to play the game don't they?
They are that good... omgsh but well.. hello i fell in the trap of one...
Well he did not really play me... it's more of a ... "Wow you moved on so quick" type thing.
Well all i can say is... My ex... aka my 'First love'
It took me like years and several of guys to get over him... And by meeting Ian, he has seriously made me feel like there is no one else he wants.
I know i hurt him... but omgsh it's killing me the fact.. im going through this again. This pain... This pain of having to occupy my self in order to forget about him... By the help of good old friends i was given the best advice in order to move on and let go. I should have known it was not going to work out... But omgsh the pain that a guy can do to a girl is like suicide.
He honestly was like a bestfriend to me, i told my flaws and such to him, he accepted me for me... and had like the best laughs every single day of my life. Now days... it's akward... now days its like his trying to get away from me... because he doesnt want anything to do with me.
Yeahs its understandable, but having the dinner and you meeting my friends... and meeting them, im getting jelous... the fact that anyone around you can make you happy, But you made me happy i can re assure you that... You made me forget about my first love... and You were good enough to replace him.

Sigh so much things on my mind that i can't really explain, i guess you were different...
And due to the religion business... we knew it was not going to work out... Why didnt we break up earlier? when i was ready to let go and not think about it...
Why did you plan so much exciting things thinking that everything was going to be perfect when we do break up?
Why is it so akward now? sigh im too selfish arnt i, im sorry i guess you were like apart of me...

It's my sisters birthday today... you promised you'd take us out... but since its over between me and you, you want nothing to do with me dont you? This is what you said.

"I dont want to get attatched to YOU or your family "

Why not? even as friends? omgshh its killing me so much more >< fahhh i miss you so much Ian ><

is this working? LOL